if it can't find them to destroy them, then how does a normal find work
if you want to show them.
anyway, you can define those sql-fragments with the associations:
:finder_sql - overwrite the default generated SQL statement used to
fetch the association with a manual statement
:delete_sql - overwrite the default generated SQL statement used to
remove links between the associated classes with a manual statement
:insert_sql - overwrite the default generated SQL statement used to add
links between the associated classes with a manual statement
(not all of them exist for all association types)
if that's not possible you can execute pure sql.
but that should be only necessary, if you're forced to use some external
db.